uneven. But I recognized the difference between a reasonable request and the abuse that had followed one before. I was learning to let ordinary events remain ordinary when the facts supported it.
I spoke occasionally with a counselor experienced in trauma. We discussed how memory sometimes attached intense fear to harmless sounds, places, or gestures. The work was practical and gradual. I learned ways to notice my surroundings, name what was happening, and avoid letting the past decide the meaning of every new encounter. I also learned to accept that needing support did not contradict my military experience or my professional competence. In fact, the lesson resembled what I had taught younger soldiers about teamwork: recognizing a problem and seeking appropriate help was a sign of judgment, not weakness.
One evening, I told my sister about a counseling session that had been particularly difficult. She listened while we washed dishes after dinner. Then she said, “You know you don't have to turn every hard thing into a lesson for somebody else.” I paused with a plate in my hand. She continued, “Sometimes you can just be upset. Sometimes you can be tired. Sometimes you can have a bad day and not write a policy about it.” I laughed because it was such an accurate description of my habits. We finished the dishes without discussing work. Later we watched a ridiculous comedy and argued about which character had made the worst decisions. It was exactly the kind of evening I needed.
The fifth year of the program brought a difficult choice about leadership. The city manager asked whether I would renew my contract for another term. On paper, the decision seemed straightforward. The office had grown, independent evaluations showed progress, and several neighboring municipalities were adopting practices we had tested. I enjoyed the work and believed in its purpose. But I also knew that a healthy institution could not depend indefinitely on the person whose experience had helped bring it attention. If our procedures worked only while I occupied the director's chair, they were not strong enough. I asked for three months to consider the offer and began reviewing the team's readiness for a transition.
The senior analyst had become an exceptional leader. She had joined the office when our equipment consisted of borrowed laptops and a printer that constantly jammed. She understood how to preserve evidence, explain difficult findings, and maintain professionalism when politicians or activists