“It belongs here.”
The tutu stayed.
Bear turned seventy-five.
Lily organized no surprise party because he hated surprises.
They ate barbecue.
Rico fell asleep in chair.
Jo had died years earlier.
Mel brought old shop photograph.
Bear wore no tutu.
Excellent.
Later that evening, Lily found him alone on back porch.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Dad.”
He looked older suddenly.
Not just gray.
Small somehow despite size.
“I was thinking about your mom.”
Lily sat.
“What about?”
“She missed so much.”
Lily waited.
Bear continued.
“She missed soccer.”
“Your graduation.”
“Your terrible first boyfriend.”
“He wasn't terrible.”
“He owned a ukulele.”
“That is not a crime.”
“It should be.”
Lily smiled.
Bear looked toward yard.
“I used to think I had to do enough parenting for both of us.”
“I know.”
“That was stupid.”
“A little.”
“I couldn’t be her.”
“No.”
“I tried sometimes.”
“You were bad at ballet.”
“Among other things.”
Lily put head against his shoulder.
Bear said:
“I hope you never thought she left.”
Lily’s eyes filled.
“I did.”
His body stiffened.
“When?”
“When I was little.”
“Oh, baby.”
“Not because of you.”
“I just didn't understand death.”
“I thought if she loved us enough she should’ve stayed.”
Bear closed eyes.
Lily continued.
“Then I felt guilty for being angry.”
He turned.
“Don't.”
“I don’t anymore.”
They sat.
Lily whispered:
“That recital…”
“Yeah?”
“I think part of why I froze was because I could see her empty seat.”
Bear stared.
“What seat?”
“The seat beside you.”
He remembered.
He had bought two tickets.
Out of habit?
No.
Mara had given two family seats.
Bear could have returned one.
He had left it empty.
A private memorial.
He never considered what Lily might see from stage.
“Oh God.”
Lily squeezed his hand.
“Dad.”
“I didn't know.”
“I know.”
“I should've—”
“No.”
She leaned closer.
“Don't rewrite everything because we learned something later.”
Bear stared.
That sounded like Claire.
Or Mara.
Or Dr. Reed.
Or maybe Lily herself.
She continued.
“You walked up.”
“That’s what I remember.”
“Not empty chair.”
“You.”
Bear cried then.
Quietly.