“No.”
Vanessa looked surprised.
“What?”
“No.”
“You don't know which.”
“I don't care.”
“Lily.”
“No.”
Vanessa studied her.
“Why?”
Lily put down the headphones.
“Because you are dying.”
“And that makes you want to punish me?”
“No.”
“It means I don't want your last months spent deciding how much you hate the woman you were at thirty-five.”
Vanessa’s eyes filled.
“I need to remember.”
“I remember.”
“That isn't the same.”
“No.”
Lily moved closer.
“You want to hear it because guilt feels like control.”
Vanessa stared.
Lily continued:
“If you can punish yourself enough, maybe you can make what happened fair.”
“You can't.”
“That is not how time works.”
Vanessa whispered:
“You sound like your mother.”
Lily smiled.
“Terrifying.”
Then she took Vanessa’s hand.
“What part did you want to hear?”
Vanessa thought.
“When I called you useless.”
Lily’s face changed.
“Why?”
“I want to apologize correctly.”
Lily sighed.
“You already did.”
“Not enough.”
“There is no enough.”
Vanessa closed her eyes.
“I said that about an eight-year-old.”
“Yes.”
“I want to understand why.”
Lily looked toward the window.
“Do you need the recording for that?”
Vanessa opened her eyes.
“No.”
“Then tell me.”
Vanessa swallowed.
“I think…”
She paused.
“I saw how Claire loved you.”
“Not because you were impressive.”
“Not because you gave her status.”
“Not because you made her look successful.”
“She loved you when you were sick.”
“Scared.”
“Expensive.”
“Noisy.”
“Needy.”
“And I didn't understand that.”
Lily listened.
Vanessa continued.
“I thought love was earned by being admirable.”
“And you were eight years old standing beside your divorced teacher mother in a cheap dress.”
“You represented everything I was afraid of becoming.”
“Ordinary.”
“Dependent.”
“Unimpressive.”
“So I called you useless because if usefulness determined love, then my whole life still made sense.”
Lily stared.
Vanessa whispered:
“I am very sorry.”
Lily's eyes filled.
Then:
“I forgive that part.”
Vanessa blinked.
“That part?”
“Yes.”
“Which part?”
“Calling me useless.”
Vanessa began crying.
Lily continued:
“I’m still working on the other things.”
Vanessa nodded.
“Fair.”
Then Lily smiled faintly.
“You were wrong, by the way.”
“What?”
“My dress wasn't cheap.”
Vanessa laughed.
“What?”
“Mom paid one hundred and sixty dollars.”
Claire, entering with groceries, stopped.
“You knew?”
Lily looked over.
“I found the receipt years later.”
Claire stared.
“I skipped groceries for that dress.”
“I know.”
Vanessa laughed harder until it turned into coughing.
Claire immediately moved.
Water.
Medication.
Chair.