“Not because I don't want to.”
Dr. Shah waited.
Rebecca pulled out her phone.
The screen showed no new messages.
“He blocked me.”
Dr. Shah’s expression changed.
“After you asked about testing?”
Rebecca laughed once.
There was no humor in it.
“He called it harassment.”
The doctor closed her eyes briefly.
Rebecca continued before she could stop herself.
“He said he’s getting remarried.”
“I know.”
“He said he doesn’t want a scar.”
Dr. Shah looked back at her.
Rebecca’s voice became smaller.
“He actually said that.”
“I know.”
“He said she barely wakes up enough to know whether he did it.”
Dr. Shah did not touch her.
Rebecca appreciated that.
Sometimes if someone touched her while she was holding herself together, the structure collapsed.
“I keep replaying it.”
Rebecca stared at the floor.
“Maybe he was scared.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe he didn't understand.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe I caught him at the wrong moment.”
Dr. Shah remained silent.
Rebecca finally looked up.
“Tell me he might not have been a match anyway.”
“He might not have been.”
“That should help.”
“It doesn’t.”
“No.”
Rebecca laughed again.
“I hate him.”
The words came quietly.
Then immediately:
“I don’t want Lily to hate him.”
“You don't have to decide any of that today.”
“When do I decide?”
“Not today.”
The answer was infuriating.
It was also correct.
Rebecca looked through the narrow window in Lily’s door.
Her daughter slept.
“I need somebody to match.”
Dr. Shah nodded.
“I know.”
“Not another support group.”
“I know.”
“Not another brochure.”
“I know.”
“I need a kidney.”
Dr. Shah’s eyes softened.
“I know.”
Rebecca walked away before she began crying.
She made it to the family restroom.
Locked the door.
Sat on the closed toilet seat.
Then finally collapsed.
She covered her mouth with both hands because she did not want anyone outside to hear.
That was absurd.
Everyone on the third floor had heard crying.
Mothers.
Fathers.
Siblings.
Nurses after shifts.
Doctors in supply closets.
Hospitals were full of people trying to cry quietly.
Rebecca had become good at it.
Her phone vibrated.
She wiped her face quickly.
For one impossible second, she thought Mark.
It was an unknown number.
She declined.
It rang again.
She declined again.
Third time.
Rebecca answered.
“What?”
Silence.
Then a rough male voice.